Self Compassion, Best Friends & MindSets…
This article is why I say dieting is not a single goal that needs to be achieved, but a complete work over of a lifestyle change. I for one welcome that change, because, what I had going on before, was not working for me.
What I am going to talk about, harks back on that article about Mindsets that I wrote the other day. What I am saying may not seem true for everyone, but it will probably ring true for the lot of us that are here because our weight is out of control — that means something else is out of control too — our thinking process. How much of that control we can regain, may not be entirely up to each of us, but there are always things we didn’t know about that we could exercise! We don’t really know how easy or hard, or even how far we can get, until we challenge those goals. And because we can’t always control our circumstances, that is where self forgiveness and self compassion come into play. Even when we think we should have done better, things just don’t always go our way. We are human and as humans we are error-prone. It is through that understanding of variables, where you will find your constantly evolving determination to deal with the facts. Learn, instead of giving up ground to our self critical demons. It allows you to move forward in the face of adversity, and dieting is adversity!
Especially in today’s distracting society, Self Compassion is a strange thing for many of us to try to cross our minds with. There are many that will bock at the mention of the phrase. Conceit was the first thing that crossed my mind when I started learning about it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Self Compassion is an exercise in objective honesty with ourselves. Honesty without judgment! Just the facts… The topic is a standard tool in any therapist’s toolkit. It doesn’t matter what your struggle is. If you are too hard on yourself, it is because we have stopped being our own, very best friend. In that way, we become our own worst enemy.
Self Compassion: Extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Not the kind, when we are too soft on ourselves — letting ourselves off the proverbial hook. Because, when we are not being wholly honest with ourselves, that is denial, not compassion, and denial is a mockery of our very own dignity. No, I am talking about true compassion for ourselves - objective honesty without judgement, so that we have the facts we need to grow on, but none of the ugly baggage we historically like to attach to those facts, effectively rendering the lesson severely crippled, if not not annihilated!
Self forgiveness is a key component of Self Compassion. We are (almost) all born with self-forgiveness. It is what makes our youth vibrant and radiate with happiness. It is through self-forgiveness as children that the world becomes our stage. Nothing keeps us down. We forgive ourselves, we forgive our friends, and we don’t hang onto grudges, which is a learned behaviour! As adults, I believe self-compassion to be the engine behind personal achievement! The older we get, the better we “think” we know ourselves, the harder we become on ourselves! Why, I don’t know - I blame a lot things on the negative effects of strategic corporate marketing, but that’s just me!
The problem is, we stopped getting to know ourselves when we started thinking we knew ourselves. We are an evolving species! If we are living right, we don’t EVER get to know ourselves! It is unimportant. It is denial in sheep’s clothing. It holds us back. It is vane. Even worse, we all too often see ourselves as we wish we weren’t, and I can’t think of a bigger waste of time than that! It stops us dead in our tracks from growing, because we learn nothing. If your looking for that point in your life when you stopped growing like a child - that point when your over the top dreams grew dimmer and dimmer - reflect back on that. It is from those ashes, where we generate cess pools of regret or worse, guilt trips that command our air waves. The mind becomes more and more of a busy highway for negative chatter, especially when things go wrong. Sound familiar?
As a result, we lose our childhood innocence of Self Compassion. We stop being our very own best friend. The one thing that can assure our happiness, and we make sure we can’t have it. It doesn’t matter why. Why is not where the problem or the solution lies. What matters, is we can pick that ball back up and run with it, and that is were those mindsets from the last article come in. This article is the catalyst for that mindset. If you can pick up the pieces that are meaningful to you from the above text, then you have your deterrent. Now, all you need is the alternative!
Ask yourself, what do we do if we are not supposed to get to know ourselves? We do one better! We get to know our process(es). It is why I am so successful at self exploration. It intrigues me — our good behaviours, our difficult behaviours that could use work, and the behaviours that are just not working for us. In that way, dieting is part of my recovery from ADHD. For most of us, whether we want to admit it or not, if we are dieting, we are recovering from more than just overweight! It is all relative. Recovery is really what the healing mind wants to do “for” the body, when we are not cutting it off at the pass with negative chatter. As I say, don’t kid yourself, for many of us, the dieting process first requires an understanding of our how the mental process impacts the physical process.
After successfully receiving the process, I read an article about Somatic Therapy, and how the healing process of the mind is analogous with, and directly linked to the healing process of the body. I have leftover, very distracting pains in my abdomen from the anxiety of dealing with undiagnosed Mental Disorders. My therapist spent a one hour somatic session with me, where he directed, but I convinced myself that this pain was not something to fear, but was actually a friendly warning that there is something I need to deal with, or this pain is going to escalate. It was not just a source of procrastination, it physically left me fear bound - panic stricken - paralyzed. What I took away from that somatic experience was a life-changing MindSet!
I consider the need to diet, as a form of healing the body with the mind. Don’t be spooked out by that - it is a simple statement. Not everyone needs somatic therapy to recover. Nothing opens these doorways more than mindful self-compassion, but you still have to walk through those doorways. That is where the MindSets come into play. They jet you through most doorways.
We are naturally made to heal from within. If we give our own mind enough free latitude, it will heal itself - a little bit, or a lot. What do I mean by latitude? Remove the barriers! Ignoring somatic’s and keeping it simple… if you can give up an unhealthy behaviour for a healthier one, then, like a once irritated festering wound, that wound, now less irritated, will heal at least a little bit. One unhealthy behaviour may not be enough, but you do have to establish one process before you can begin another (my ADHD self is bad for rushing ahead of myself) Healthy mindsets give you that kind of latitude. You don’t have to pick your worst behaviour to work on. Not unlike dieting, set goals you can achieve and build on your own successes. You are not just removing one barrier when you overcome an unhealthy mindset, you are starting a pattern of healing, so keep going. This process WILL benefit your dieting process.
There’s too much online about self compassion by people that don’t really get it. There are a number of reputable Psychology/Therapy sites out there. ADDitudeMag.com is one, although the site itself focuses on ADHD, has many excellent articles on the topic independent of the disorder.
Learning to be self compassionate is no different than learning anything else. There’s no step-by-step guide book to show you the way. Just start by being kind to yourself when you find that you are not. Like our weight, we have to struggle with this too until we find our own way, but that’s the beauty of life. Forging our own way gives us that sense of accomplishment. When we think we have caught on, we want to tell the world about it.
I will conclude with what started this whole article. It is something told someone who was feeling their own harsh judgement - It is not verbatim, but it is the essence of:
If you know what it means to be a best friend to someone else, then you can learn to be one for yourself. The only real best friend we have is ourselves, and sometimes we forget to be there when we are needed most. There is no better time than now for something that important. So be kind. Give yourself a great big hug like only you can. Sounds kind’a corny if you’ve never done it before. It is not a physical hug you need, it is a compassionate, understanding, non-judgemental, caring hug. Something most of us have not had in a long time. Tell yourself that you are okay right now, because you can’t change anything before the next moment. As for struggles, it doesn’t really matter how bad it seems, it is very rarely as bad as you fear it is, and if it is that bad, you will get through that too, if you keep your wits about you. It is okay to be objectively honest, but it is not okay to be judgemental. There is no usable information to be gained. It can only hurt you.
Be well… DV
