Yearofhealth2023's Notizen, 13 Mai 23

Bubbles Mcbubble, one of the best posts I’ve seen here. Your words of wisdom are breathtaking. Thanks for taking the time to articulate on such an emotional/important life’s lesson.  

Ladies and super-i appreciate all the advice and the personal historical stories you shared. Little background, but not too much, my childhood was very traumatic and i will leave it at that. Left home at 15, no one but a few knew i was homeless. Able to keep myself in school, played tennis for the high school, had a job and these days we call it couch surfing. Graduated, put myself thru college and stayed away from drugs and alcohol (well small amounts of alcohol but very small). At 18-nearly 22 much older man entered who was very violent. So yes, i understand how hard to leave that is but i did. Fast forward 3 years im in love and oops pregnant. Solo. So I’ve been a single parent since before she was born. With my history i vowed i would protect this child with every part of me. And i did. She is my whole heart. Yes i love my husband but he entered the picture when she was 17. I dated rarely when she grew up so as to protect her from what happened to me. My mom, who i miss, we had a complicated relationship and she undermined my relationship with my girl most of her life. Said i would rather work than be a mom and other, much worse things. I thought my loving actions would outspeak my moms words but turns out they did not. Nope,i worked because i wanted my daughter to have a better, easier life than me and oh yes, by then i was the sole financial support of the woman who didn’t protect me growing up-and i paid for her housing and expenses for over 20 years-to the end of her life. Yes i know this sounds like a pity party it’s just background. My daughter never had to share me till she was 17,nearly 18. She got jealous of my attention and love going elsewhere. Keep in mind she’s leaving for college in a few months. She has resented my husband for many years tho they are in a better place now. She acted out, and other things im not going to put here. When she turned 25 we went to therapy for a year. Learned how to really listen and hear each other. We have our ups and downs but overall i think we both think we are really really close to each other. Im her rock, she’s mine. I dont starve her when i have her for dinner. It’s normal, healthy sizes of food, Chick breast, roast vegetables, sweet potatoes followed by fruit for anyone who thinks im being extreme. She is using food to stuff herself. To not work thru some issues that may have a lot to do with me or nothing. Her adulthood has had some really difficult situations having nothing to do with me. Abandonment by her father before she was born, other things. My girl is bi-racial and beyond pretty but looks like no one in our family. We are all blonde and blue eyed. That was hard for her tho IVE told hr many times i wish i looked like her. She’s striking. Got the best of both her parents genetically. I used to tell her God gave her that pretty face for free and she must make sure her insides matched her outsides. Have a pretty heart and mind. I did that because so often strangers would stop and comment on her pretty face. Didn’t want her to be superficial. She’s not. She’s incredibly intelligent, kind hearted, loving and oh yes gorgeous. And tormented by her past. There is more i wont put her. I know why she eats too much but i also remember the athlete she was and how much that has affected her confidence, self worth and feeling well. We have had open, frank and painful conversations about her weight. And mine. Yes she’s an adult. She can take care of herself. To let her go and not worry about her choices sounds wonderful but is not realistic. I have loved, adored, protected, fought for this child in ways i will never write here. Ive watched my mother die as a result of her poor diet. And no, my mom was not obese, never even very overweight, she just fed herself sugar and fat for decades combined with a bad heart and other ailments that could have been greatly helped thru nutrition and excercise. There is so much i could say but wont. I am my daughters only family. She doesn’t have anyone else as family she can turn to. It’s very unfair. I generally keep my mouth shut these days about her weight tho i ask her how her training is going with her personal trainer. I dont think im trying to push her. Setting by example? Most of her life she’s seen me take pretty good care of my health minus stress. I pray for her nightly and give thanks for her nightly too. My evening prayer. I just want her to be HAPPY AND HEALTHY. I have a feeling im going to regret putting this out there. Ps. I have apologized to her and said so many times i wish i could be the parent to her today as the person i am today. I was very tough on her. I expected her to give her very best always. I expected obedience. I pushed her always. I also loved her deeply. Was hugely affectionate daily and told her often what a gift she was. We sometimes laugh because i could never take her being mad at me as a child for more than 15 minutes. My method of punishment was never verbal, nor physical i would take something away from her that was meaningful for a period of time. It worked. But boy i hated her being mad so after a bit i would always tell her “ok, stop being mad at me its over.” For whatever dispute we were having. I still feel that way. Both of us get over being upset with each other really really quickly. And we generally dont have much to get upset about. Her health. Mine. My goodness this is a book. I dont know if I’ve provided any clarity for you guys. Long and short, im afraid of what she’s doing to herself. Have been for years but her weight has been significantly piling on since covid and she works from home at a desk for 10+ hours a day. She’s stressed, her job is very difficult but there’s always the get together with friends and food….. 

YOH you are an incredible inspiration. To have so many cards stacked against you at such a young age and to still complete your education is simply amazing. Many people, especially myself, have done far less with much more support. Happy Mother’s Day. 

Ladies and super 😂😂 I appreciate you not assuming I fit in with the ladies  

Super i appreciate you as well. The comments from all have been coming from very very good intentions. Im not offended it’s just hard to judge someone else when you know literally nothing about the situation but what we choose to share. Weight is a very very touchy subject. People who are too thin feel judged, people who look like you are judged, people who are obese are judged. Even when one doesn’t intend to pass judgement there is always the internal dialogue. Listen, if there was proven information that carrying nearly 100 pounds of excess weight caused zero damage i would be fine. I love my daughter. I love her heart. I love her funny funny sense of humor. I love that she is driven like me to be successful. I love that she loved Disneyland like she’s still 5 years old. I hate that i know what this weight will do to her in the long run. Im just coming off of losing over 80 pounds. I have hanging skin. I was prediabetic. I had high blood pressure. My heart rate was messy. Cholesterol etc. these are the things that scare me for my girl. I try and keep my mouth shut. I do. But I’m afraid. Pretty sure anyone can understand that. Super thank you for being supportive. Russellc64 I appreciate what you said. God has watched over me even when i thought i had been abandoned. I have for more than i every would have imagined in my life. I am loved. I am well. I am happy. Thank you so much guys 

YOH I owe you an apology. I don't think we know when we're triggered till afterward. I got triggered and my own history came into play enormously. I stand by what I say but I do see you as perhaps not needing to hear the full directors cut of it. My daughter, last time I saved her from a bad relationship, one of the things she broke down and said through the tears was that she was now the heaviest she had ever been - he was controlling their money and she was living on bread and had stacked on even more weight. She could tell me this because we have come to an understanding about her weight. I accept that she is carrying an extra twin, but I also have faith that one day, when the time is right for her and her other issues are squared away, she will be able to shift from this space in the way I have been shifting from that space - from a foundation of strength not damage. A lifetime is a long time. I mourned when my daughter was a teenager that she would never know the feminine power that came from being hot as hell... which I had enjoyed, but paid a high price for. One thing that maybe can comfort us mothers, is that we see the current trajectory of our children, and we see it spins into outer space, but we also need to remember they have a steering wheel. They can change their trajectory. Just as when we teach them to drive, they don't seem to turn the wheel when we would, or decelerate when we would, - they do it later. They are doing it when they perceive it for themselves, and as they become more experienced in life, they will do it sooner and sooner, until they are doing it the same as us. our kids have to learn their lives in this new and confusing world, organically, from the ground up. It's new ground. We were not raised in this world that they've got. We don't really have to navigate it like they do. But if we have faith and a helping hand now and again, and a constant faith in God and in them, then we can trustfully say 'you got this honey, do what you want when you're ready' - and it gives them such release of pain. My nana was 5'. My mother was 5'2". My big sister was 5'4" and I was 5'6". We all ate what nana ate. Mother never made allowances for my height, even my foot size was too large and I squeezed my feet into shoes too small till my mid twenties. What damage. I am sorry to hear your daughter has got large due to trauma (forgive if I read this into things.) When the trauma passes, and her life is on track, and she has the free mental space, she will be able to attend to her weight. She will be fine in time. But it may not be her top priority right now, and you and I both know how much determination and concentration it can take, for a long period of time. Until she has her career, her love life, her children, whatever under control and humming along, she may not have the mental and emotional space to handle the situation. Rest assured she knows there is a problem, she just isn't able to solve it effectively right now. xx 

Bubbles, isn’t it strange how negative childhood experiences still color who we are even at this age. I have tried and tried to shake the ptsd my father gave me. I thought when i found out he had died it would release me. I have not seen nor spoken to him for nearly 40 years. Instead i cried. Not because I loved him. Because of all the damage to so many people he caused. This damage caused me to be so restrictive with my daughter due to fear. This damage caused me to not date much for fear of what trusting a man could mean for my child. And me. This trust made it hard for me to give my heart to the man who has loved me thru some really really bad things. Im sorry you had those experiences. That was unfair to you. You seem to have your head on straight tho. Minus being triggered maybe?🥰. My hope for you is that you are at peace. It took me a long time to get to that place. It’s been since my mom passed that i have been able to grieve all that happened to her to me to my daughter because of what happened to me. In am at peace for the first time since i was an innocent 7 year old girl. I so hope that for you. My daughter has a ton going for her. She truly is an amazing human. She told me tonight i was the best mom ever (but of course its Mother’s Day) and that she was so lucky. She means it. That’s a win. Im sorry if i triggered you. It’s the thing about writing about very very personal thoughts on a public forum. I wish you a sweet lovely Mother’s Day my friend. God bless 

Ps—for bubbles, i used to tell my child she was the reward God gave me for trying so hard to be a good person. I still tell her that from time to time. And to be perfectly honest, i thought and still think thats true. I was tested and frightened and had to scramble but I didn’t give up so God said, “here let me give you a perfect piece of sunshine to spend your life with.” And he did. That was my child.💕💕💕 

YOH that is so beautiful. I can understand what you're saying between the lines, I have had similar issues. I had a massive trigger last week when we were all expected to do the keeping children safe training at work (despite me working in accounts??) and go into a meeting for a day to discuss how to identify child abuse... OMG I had to leave and I think I was on a rollercoaster for the rest of the week. I got a 'reminder' to the next KCS training and I gave that manager a very large piece of my mind... It's not okay that victims should have to be retraumatised. Again and again. For years and years, And make allowances, again and again but we do, and it looks like you were on the receiving end of some of my .. stuff. I apologise. Talking in these terrible little boxes is hard work. I am so sorry for your suffering, and I'm grateful you are at the last coming to a space of peace. xx 

I think most people grow up with some kind of trauma. I grew up with an abusive dad who got violent went he’s drunk or more violent I should say... I remember I used to hate going to school, not cuz of learning, I pick that up fast and usually read ahead so I wouldn’t have to pay attention to the teacher teaching. I hate going to school cuz I have a fear of going back home and finding my dad had beaten my mom to death. It might be that reason that I was always getting in trouble in school, getting into fights. I grew up in the 90s where gangs was a big thing. Lots of bloods and crips. I get into fights fighting fights that wasn’t even about me, I don’t like seeing the weak getting bullied. So I always jump in and help if I think it was unfair. During that time you have to be tough or atleast show you are tough or you’ll get beat up on the spot. Kids would get stabbed with pencils just walking down the hall from the back. I wonder if parents was aware or my parents was aware what they were sending us to at school. I observe animals, did you know chickens the roosters when they find food they click for the hens to eat it? They never fight females. Nor does dogs. I’ve never seen a dog get into a fight with females. Usually they let the female be crazy until they get too crazy and they’ll just show dominance and all is good. But they’ll let the females have their way most of the time. Human kind is pretty unnatural as men would beat on the females. I find that odd. Anyway I wonder what the rage is about for a father to beat his kids to the point of bloodiness and til my mom throws her body over me and he then beats her bloody too. How much hatred does that man have for his family I don’t get. But it’s made me not be like him. I don’t smoke cuz the stink of cigarettes reminds me of him. And when he died I didn’t even shed a tear, I did felt a little bad, cuz when he got older I felt like he was trying to make amends... anyway we live on and don’t do what you don’t want done to you into others. Be the better person for the next person. Sorry you had a rough life yoh, but you turned into a great person from it. And that’s awesome for humanity  

@supergains I'm so sorry. It's not okay what happened to you or your mum. Watching the rooster with the hens is what helped me come to terms with the stepfather... he feeds them, he spends all day taking care of them, gives his life to them, rapes them briefly every day. Means no harm, he's just a rooster. a conflicted state of being, confusing on the receiving end until you see the rooster and it all becomes clear. I didn't take the lesson about physical abuse out of it but you are entirely right. In most animal kingdoms, the females are treated as precious. Thanks so much for sharing your korero, so horrific what you have been through, and I have respect for your refusal to carry that down the generations. 

Super, you sweet sweet super, i am beyond sad to hear you experienced that. It actually made me tear up. Maybe this is what made you an extra special human with your animals. What happened to you is criminal. Wrong. Ugly. You could have so easily have become like him. Many do. I am sure I’m not the first person/mommy/friend to tell you none of that was ever your fault nor did you cause that but hear it again anyway. It sounds like you have become a caring, kind empathetic person. Someone to be proud of. That’s a lot of turmoil and pain to digest. Bubbles, yes we probably experienced the same things. Mine involved what you have probably deduced, gun trauma, a broken nose and more. My dad was 6’3. And well built. When i was 12 i ran away. I came back after a few months. 12 years old. 5’7 and probably 115 pounds. No match for him. What i learned from these experiences was to try and be a good person. A kind person. As I’ve gotten even older my philosophy has been that if i am to touch someone’s life i want it to be a better life for having known me. Maybe i wouldn’t be the person i am without those experiences. Do i wish they hadn’t happened? Of course. The damage is real. But i like who i am today. It took me until i was nearly 43 years old and my 17 year old daughter telling me that i was a good person to be able to accept it. Damage. Super, bubbles—-it sounds like you both have come a long way in your journey. Both of you are compassionate and passionate. Thank you so much for sharing something that is not easy to talk about in general. Have a lovely night.