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Holy Frickin' Cow!
I woke up this morning, feeling "heavy". I looked in the mirror, and I can literally SEE that I am bloated, retaining water, whatever it is.
So, I get on the scale, and I am 5 kgs(!!!!) heavier than Saturday morning's weigh-in.
5 kgs! That's 10 lbs!
What the hell?
I'm not even sure how this is possible. I keep telling myself that it's OBVIOUSLY not a five kg fat gain (that would require an excess of about 35,000 calories over the last three days - I think I would have noticed that!), but still... where does it come from? Surely yesterdays (or the day before) dinner and food choices couldn't do this (even if I did bad yesterday - more on that in a moment)?
Is it nerves because of stress at work to finish up as much as I can? Is it because of the surgery coming up? I don't know, but this really really freaked me out. I am a notch out in my belt, too. Well, that is - I am still in that same hole in the belt, but it's not comfortable. I'm gonna keep it there though, to remind me that there is no turning back and that I better make sure to be comfortable here.
I know what some - if not all - of the problem is. Yesterday, we had an all-day class, with no access to water as I am used to having, and with a ridiculous amount of snacks available. I had a few - not too bad - but it kicked the carb frenzy into gear. I simply couldn't stop thinking about it, and after I left I went overboard. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was right back in the "Fat Kingkeld" mentality. I had chocolate, corn nuts, a huge dinner (though this wasn't too bad on the calories), and just couldn't stop. Tapping never occurred to me. How sad.
This was a horrible, horrible feeling - something I haven't felt for SO long. I felt a total loss of control, and I gave in - big time. I have to remember this guilt, I have to remember this feeling of failure, so I can pull it out of the bag next time I want something. I want to have it so I can hold it up against what ever bad treat I want but I don't need, ask myself if it's really worth it. The answer is clearly that it's not.
Now, of course I didn't snack away 35,000 calories yesterday, so I am thinking that most of the weight gain simply is retained water, and of course food processing in my system that is mainly screwing it up for me. I'm not gonna fool myself into thinking that I didn't overstep my RDI yesterday - because I did - but not to THAT extend.
Regardless, I need to do things to make ME feel that I am doing what I can.
Honestly, I feel like a MASSIVE failure this morning - and still do -, to be honest, and there is NO way for me to feel like I am doing what I can. I can - at best - feel that I am doing what I can to better this situation, but this morning's mindset has failure written all over it.
Yup. That bad. This is frickin' depressing. At least this kind of depressing won't make me feel like eating. It'll make me feel like grabbing a hold of my balls and get my ass in gear on this.
After I am done writing this, I will be on the bike. At least an hour, if not 90 minutes. At least this will make me feel that I am doing something about it.
I need to DO. Do. Do. Do.
As you can probably tell, my thoughts are all over the place this morning. This weigh-in really threw me off. I can't weigh 84 kgs. Not today. Not ever again. This really scares me. I don't ever want to see even a fluke weigh-in at this level ever again.
So, this is the strategy:
Today:
A LIGHT breakfast. I had my two eggs, will skip the bread. No carbs for me today. Only thing that'll fill me up properly. Added fiber.
TONS and MORE TONS of water. I will try to flush all this out, hopefully in as little as a couple of days.
Lunch? Well, it was gonna be a sandwich from yesterday, but I will have to rethink that. Maybe simply skip the bread on it. We'll see what I do about it. Actually, I'll mix some tuna and some more eggs. That'll work.
Dinner? I have arranged salmon with some light sides. It'll work just fine, I think. Added fiber.
This should make me able to go through the day without hunger, and with plenty of protein to keep me going.
Oh, and no salt whatsoever.
I will drink a LOT of water, too. It does help flushing the system, and it does fill me up and will help me from getting hungry.
Then tomorrow morning I will weigh myself again and see what the scale says.
I will not enter these weigh-ins here on FS. It's simply too depressing. I hope I can knock it down before my Saturday weigh-in. That one WILL be registered, whether I like the number or not.
Wow. This is definitely a very different journal from me today.
I am tempted to re-write it all, and take away the confusion and desperation that I read in it. However, I think it's better to leave it as is. I think it's better to have it all out in the open, and deal with it, get moving, regrouped and focused.
Why is it so damn hard to get things straight? Is it still nerves about the surgery? I think it very well could be. I am nervous about it, and as the date comes closer, it ain't getting better. It's a scary thought, surgery, but at the same time I am really excited about it. It's a strange feeling, this mixed bag of emotions.
Anyways, if I want time to ride the bike, I need to get going.
So, today I am NOT thankful for:
- GAINING 10 lbs. What the hell? I am soooooooooooo mad at myself.
I am, however, thankful for:
- Discovering the damage, so I can try to fix as much as possible.
- Promising myself to not let this happen again.
- Focus on correcting it.
...looking at the big perspective of things, I am still 71 kgs away from my starting weigh-in. It's not that everything is ruined. It's just that I am SO close to my surgery. I am SO close to the finalizing of this whole deal. I am so close to everything, literally days away, when this happens. I don't need this. I need to be better.
I don't think they'll pull me away from surgery or anything. It's been approved, and I'm sure they see things like this happen all the time. However, I do not in ANY way feel comfortable facing the doctors the day after tomorrow and having to explain why I am so much heavier than I was two months ago, when I had my lowest weigh-in ever - EVER - on the very day I went for the interview and evaluation.
Still, I can do this. Focus is on. Bike is waiting for me, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm gonna find a pumping soundtrack and go DO SOMETHING.
Life is good.
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